


Down

by kbbi



Series: Everything You've Said [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angsty Schmoop, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, Heartbreak, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Sex, Infidelity, Jooheon centric, Leaving Home, Lee Jooheon Centric, Loneliness, M/M, Mentioned Im Changkyun | I.M, Mentioned Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X), Mentioned Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Oblivious, One-Sided Relationship, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Lee Jooheon, Short One Shot, Unrequited Love, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-06-28 13:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19813363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kbbi/pseuds/kbbi
Summary: Jooheon’s known ever since Minhyuk stopped smiling at him like he was his own personal universe.He's known and yet he's continued to torture himself.





	Down

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this primarily on my phone so it's likely not the best. The prompt was:  
> \- _things you didn't say_

There's a lot of things that Jooheon knows how to deal with. Stubbing his toe, spraining a wrist, swollen knuckles from throwing a bad punch, black eyes from receiving one-these are all painful things he can deal with. With his high pain tolerance and his approach to everything thrown at him, there really aren’t that many things he can't handle. 

But dealing with the heartbreak of realizing that the person you love now no longer loves you? 

**It's one of those things.**

It’s a bit pathetic if he thinks about it now. The way he’s clinging onto something that hurts him just because he has the tiniest bit of _hope_. If this were anyone else, if this were Hoseok or Changkyun, he would have kicked their asses for it. Now that he’s in their position, standing in the kitchen alone while Minhyuk’s off key singing fills their flat, Jooheon understands. 

He understands everything they’ve ever told him while they’ve sat on the floor of his living room with empty bottles of soju surrounding them. He understands and he feels so fucking bitter about it because _he’s_ the one forcing himself to keep dealing with it. Even now as Minhyuk is getting ready to leave for another ‘ _party_ ,’ Jooheon is suffering. They both know the truth; it’s hidden beneath the concealer covering the side of boyfriend’s neck and the way he smiles down at the messages that keep flooding his phone’s notifications. They both act like he’s oblivious, that the emptiness in his chest that makes him feel so _cold_ doesn’t exist. He understands everything Hoseok and Changkyun have told him. It just sucks because now he’s asking the same god damn questions they always did.

It started as a small seed of insecurity, just a _hint_ of something being _off_ that niggled at the edges of his thoughts. It should have stayed that way but it’d slowly bloomed as the nights alone began to pile up. It turned into a sapling when Minhyuk stopped using pet names or endearments but he could still handle it. He could keep acting like he didn’t miss it in favor of just enjoying the fact that Minhyuk was _talking_ to him. But then Minhyuk had stopped hanging on him and his partner’s physical neediness had simply disappeared as though it’d never been there to begin with. They stopped kissing, they stopped having late night dates, and Minhyuk started showing up late to their dates. 

And the insecurities that had once seemed so small?

They’ve turned into vines, curling around him like a tree to choke the very life out of him. 

The hollowness has made a home itself right there in his ribcage now and it’s been there for awhile. He’s been ignoring it like a college student handles homework deadlines because he _can’t_ acknowledge it. It hurts too much to focus on it and it doesn’t matter that ignoring it has only made it worse. It’s hard to think back on when it had all truly started because he has no idea. Yet Jooheon has still tried to retrace his steps every time the door to their flat closes without Minhyuk saying goodbye. 

Which is stupid. It’s so _fucking_ _**stupid**_ because he shouldn’t be torturing himself like this. He shouldn’t be letting his anxieties and insecurities rule him. It hadn’t always been like this and he hadn’t always had this defeat wearing him down. He’s always been known for his resilience, for his passion, and for his stubborn persistence. He’s a strong person and he should be able to handle _everything **and** anything_. So why is this so hard? Why does he feel like he’s always on the verge of breaking down or begging? He should be kicking Minhyuk out of the flat and telling him to go stay with one of the people he’s been spending all his time with. He should be able to pack all of Minhyuk’s things and send him on his way.

He shouldn’t have to think about this. 

He should be _strong_. 

It’s not as if he hasn’t already spent far too many nights staring at the other side of the bed with arms outstretched and fingers clinging to the empty space of where another person should be resting. It’s not like he hasn’t fallen asleep sitting on the couch waiting up for the man to return because he just wanted to say goodnight. It’s not like he hasn’t roughly wiped his tears away every time Minhyuk has sent him a message after being twenty minutes later for their date just to tell him he can’t make it. 

He doesn’t deserve this. 

He should be _**strong**_. 

The problem is the fact that he’s not. Minhyuk has always been the one exception and that’s what’s killing him the most. Even now, as Minhyuk passes him in the kitchen to get to the door of the flat, Jooheon knows he’s fucking weak. He’d let Minhyuk get away with anything so long as the man stayed with him. He’d take the fucking scraps of his love and long for what they used to have until Minhyuk finally cuts him out of his life. It’s the reason he doesn’t attempt to follow and instead listens to the sound of the door closing shut. The ever familiar silence seeps back into the flat and Jooheon wishes he could enjoy its companionship. He chokes on it instead, heart lurching in his chest and emotions crashing over him like the tide against the cliffs. 

He should call someone. _Why doesn’t he want me?_

He sits in the living room just thinking through everything alone in the quiet of their flat. Hours seem to pass Jooheon as his emotions burn through him. He’s stretched the agony of his emotions out until the sun disappeared from where it had once peaked through the blinds. Moonlight has taken its place and Jooheon hates the fact that it just makes him want to cry even more. He’s so fucking tired of crying. He’s done with it, done with waiting for Minhyuk. He’s done with holding onto the hope that everything can still fix itself. That Minhyuk will come home, apologize for hurting him, and then everything will be okay. His heart will feel full again and the defeat will lift from his shoulders because he was wrong. He was wrong and Minhyuk will keep his promise of forever. Except he knows that it will never happen. He knows that Minhyuk isn’t going to ever come back to him. He can’t keep doing this to himself or else he’s going to drown in his pain. He tells himself it’ll be fine when he finally stands up, hands shaking as he walks into their bedroom. 

He should leave. _What did I do wrong?_

He doesn’t know where he’s going to go but he knows he’ll be fine. He grabs his duffle bag and starts packing his clothes one right after the other. He’s abandoned anything Minhyuk had given him, leaving the items hanging up in the closet or packed away in their- _Minhyuk's_ -drawers. Anything that even reminded him of the man was left behind. No pictures were taken with him, no sweaters or hoodies, and certainly nothing that would attach a memory to it. He took everything that was just his, slung the bag over his shoulder and dropped the keys to the apartment on the counter before leaving.

He should be stronger than this. _Was I not good enough?_

He doesn’t look back even after he gets into the elevator and slumps against the wall. He doesn’t let himself think about Minhyuk or the rent. He doesn’t think about the fact that that had been his apartment before Minhyuk moved in with him. He doesn’t think about where he’s going to live, how he’ll get to work, or how he’ll sleep knowing that it’s now finally over. The questions keep trying to rise from within the depths of his heart but Jooheon pays them no mind. He can’t because they’re too real and acknowledging them will do nothing but hurt him more. So he doesn’t think about anything at all as the floors tick by slowly until he reaches the lobby of the complex. Nothing enters his mind even when the elevator doors open and Minhyuk is on the other side. 

He should say hi. _Did you ever love me?_

His mind is perfectly empty as they stare at each other, the other man’s eyes dropping down to the bag in his grasp before glancing up to his face. There’s a question in his eyes but Jooheon doesn’t answer it as he takes a step forward and out of the elevator. He has his own questions to deal with and he’s done waiting for Minhyuk to answer them. So he takes another step and then another until he’s out of the building, until he's out Minhyuk's line of sight and out of his life. He keeps walking until he can no longer feel the way his phone vibrates in his pocket or how the chill of the night bites into his skin. He walks and walks and _walks_ until the pressure in his chest dissipates and the questions cycling through his mind turn into static. He walks because he knows everything will be fine.

There's a lot of things that Jooheon knows how to deal with, from big to small. Things like getting into an argument with a best friend, losing a family member, or dealing with hateful criticism. He's always finding more things and that's the biggest reason his pain tolerance is so high. 

And the heartbreak of leaving the person you love behind because you deserve more? 

**It's nothing he can't handle.**

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a casual series that may, or may not, be linked together. I don't know what I'm doing so I'll just apologize in advance. I've never done any prompt fills, ship bingo, or 30 day challenges before but I saw one that I liked and I've been wanting to do a bunch on that list. Especially with rare pairs! However, there is a slight caveat.
> 
> All of these pairings will involve Jooheon because I don't feel like there's enough fics out there involving him and I'm greedy. That being said, every piece should able to be read on their own.
> 
> If you'd like to chat, you can find me on k-bbi.tumblr.com or on Twitter with the same username!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
